What do you write?

 (Taken from our family blog, accessed at tabs above, from my post in 2010.)

Ahem.

It has come to my attention that blogs can be used for all kinds of purposes.

  It is so completely obvious that our family's blog is the rosy, perfect facade

 of the peaks of our lives.  True, it's good to let everyone know how we are,

 what is happening (like the Christmas Letters) but there is so much more.

  I've seen so many uses for a blog---family business, venting,

 speaking out on issues...even therapy.  Like journaling.

Which leads me to the question of the day.

So what do you put in your journal? 

 The rosy perfect stuff, so your grandkids

 will think they came from perfect stock

 (and thus feel unworthy, or possibly make them reach higher...)

 or do you tell THE REAL DEAL? 

 I have stacks of journals

 starting when I was 12ish, some with tear stains,

 a few pages with blood on them.

  I've considered abridging them into one perfect personal history...

but this question of authenticity has been preventing progression.

I've always been a realist kind of a person.  Some dislike it, others really appreciate it.

  But I do it for me.

  Being honest and not wearing a mask has been my mantra for years.

  Let's face it, lots of Mormon people wear masks.  And non-Mormon too, of course.

  But as I get older, will I?

I wrote this a little over four years ago. So I can answer that question, for now.

I don't think I will ever

want to be something else, other than who I really am---

It rubs me so entirely wrong, that it's physically painful. I can't

 pretend to think, act, say things that I really don't feel.

A few months after we had Dallin, 18 years ago this fall, I was struggling

 with this question as it pertained to wanting to being happy,

 but actually being so freaking depressed. 

The advice I was given at that time was to 

"FAKE IT TIL ITS TRUE." I couldn't do it---and I really did try.

I now realize that she was soooo wrong, and I needed help, not "motivation."

I'm rambling. 

What I decided to do about my journals,

my story, 

was to write a memoir that is intentional. I would like to share

it with my family, my kids (when they're ready), and maybe selectively with others.

It's a great story. I find that being honest and real can make

people feel validated and relieved. Because then

they don't have to pretend either.