Purely Zenified

Zenify

My new word.

I've been struggling with my anxiety more in the last 6 months since we doubled my depression medication. The depression is SOOOO not a problem anymore, but my ADD symptoms seem to be accentuated to say the least. I'm freaking crazy most of the time.

Last time I met with my psychiatrist he had me double the prozac to alleviate the zappy electrified feeling. Taking that new dose though caused some real problems. I couldn't sleep at all, so my left eye did that thing, where the eyeball swells up with a liquid abscess that burns when I blink. Ya, that only takes two nights of bad sleep. Touchy. I also noticed a stomach ache (or stomache) when I took the medicine. It's possible that the nausea is a result of adding kombucha drinks to my day to clean out my liver, which is another interesting topic. Stick around.

As luck would have it (karma?) my last two appointments with the Doc have been cancelled, so the short prescription ran out after missing a couple of days. I couldn't double anymore, so I had to request a refill of the old dosage. The whole experience has made me lose my affinity for the prozac, and perhaps that's been prodded by the overpriced pharmacy industry and the government control corporations enjoy in general. I'll see Dr. B today, so I think I'll request not to take it anymore.

As much as I want to get into a dialogue now about the other pills I take and my thoughts on those, I did title this Zenify, so I will struggle to stay with the original topic.

Because of the screetchy anxious feeling, I've tried to "use" teas and essential oils to calm me down. I had a facial massage with lavender oil, I have had decaf coffee, various teas including kava. I have meditated and napped and basically zenned out in a chair or on the floor. I have a little vile of stress-relieving serum that I rub on my neck after I shower and before bed. Overall, I think these things have helped ME to relax a lot more. I capitalize ME because these are things I am DOING, as opposed to taking a pill and letting it do the work for me. I don't recall ever making that distinction and working on things with real coping skills, intentionally. I use things. I use everything. I use caffeine, I use sugar, I use alcohol. I use them to do something for me. Beyond normal levels of enjoyment or pleasure. In very compulsive and addictive ways.

This new method trying to actually care for myself, is kind of amazing. I have cared for the kids, the dog, the husband. I haven't really cared for myself. I am selfish, but don't really care for myself. I'll guiltily go and have Asian immigrants care for my nails and feet, I'll have someone care for my hair. It feels much better to care for my own cuticles, and stay in touch with how I am feeling right at this very moment, and can I do anything for you, or get you something to drink? What do I feel like? What is happening right now...? I am Zenifying.

The first time I felt zenned was on the little trip to Bloomington I took with Jackie, when we stayed at Susanne's and Anna's. I was laying down, reading a book, getting drowsy, and Susanne asked me if I was all zenned out. Yes, yes I was.

Zenning is not the absence of hard work. I can really work my ass off, and then retreat and find my peace. I like doing this. But I definitely could do more. I haven't painted a wall in weeks and weeks. I haven't unpacked the picture frames in the garage, and we've lived here for a year. I need to trim the bushes around the air conditioning units, and plant some new things by the cable utility boxes. I did pull weeds and trim the tree in front of the living room window this morning, but then I rushed up to shower because I thought I might have a bug, or bugs, in my hair. After my shower, I cared for my nails and cuticles and skin. I cared for my hair. Currently, I am getting very drowsy typing this idea out. Usually, I would rush to make some coffee, but I think I'll not...

UPDATE: I STAYED ON MEDICINES BUT GOT KICKED OUT OF MY PSYCH'S OFFICE BY HIS WIFE. I GOT THAT LIST OF JOBS DONE, BUT OF COURSE, THERE ARE MORE ADDED. I FIND THIS ENTIRE POST BORING AND UNEVENTFUL. YOU REALLY SHOULD READ SOMETHING ELSE.